tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post3049028164977453003..comments2023-12-11T00:32:07.513-08:00Comments on The College Field Manual: The Quest for Better Student-Parent RelationshipsMichael Johnsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-81150346156540150752012-01-29T12:57:15.644-08:002012-01-29T12:57:15.644-08:00Thank you. It's not for every family, but it ...Thank you. It's not for every family, but it is a tool that can be useful.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-82664886758251509902012-01-29T00:21:02.258-08:002012-01-29T00:21:02.258-08:00I've heard of some folks doing this. Very info...I've heard of some folks doing this. Very informative. Thank you for posting this.<br /><br />God bless you.Deborah K. Andersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02696939901849412299noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-74322175677560400832012-01-25T12:35:48.327-08:002012-01-25T12:35:48.327-08:00It sounds like you have a good story to share. The...It sounds like you have a good story to share. The question is would you as a young adult have initiated the conversation to create such a contract? It would be preferable for the parents to initiate this, but the student should if the parent isn't taking the initiative.<br />DeleteMichael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-48695750518087926722012-01-25T11:00:51.116-08:002012-01-25T11:00:51.116-08:00OH MY! If only I had this back when I was a teenag...OH MY! If only I had this back when I was a teenager....Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12509230761700506291noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-30717693940311525762012-01-24T08:01:23.413-08:002012-01-24T08:01:23.413-08:00Adam,
You bring up an interesting concept of cul...Adam, <br /><br />You bring up an interesting concept of cultural differences. Most US kids attending college are within 50 miles of home, so the concept of a child who goes away is not always the picture of what is happening. I tend to focus on that group too much sometimes. Each family is going to have different attitudes regarding college and each culture will have a different educational system. I can only talk about the US system, because that is the system in which I work.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-87708813281054366662012-01-23T18:42:39.824-08:002012-01-23T18:42:39.824-08:00Very interesting. Things are a little different in...Very interesting. Things are a little different in Australia. We don't have the ingrained culture of 'moving away to go to college'. I was fortunate to have a university right in my home town so I didn't have to go anywhere.<br /><br />In any case, this concept of spelling out responsibilities between parent and child is quite interesting and something I might keep in mind as my children get older (currently very young).Adam Collingshttp://collingszone.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-12261771407308327122012-01-17T14:08:29.908-08:002012-01-17T14:08:29.908-08:00Suzette,
I'm glad it was helpful. Your commen...Suzette,<br />I'm glad it was helpful. Your comment made me think about parents. It is a hard job and even a person who is trying still fails in some areas. There are a lot of well-meaning people who do things that are not really beneficial for their children. Giving an 18 year old the full rights and privileges of adulthood strikes me as odd, but we have been doing it for awhile. It used to be that you could drop out of high school, walk across the street to a factory and earn enough to support a family. Since we are now a service oriented economy, a young adult must do some type of post secondary education in order to be able to support a family.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-12253415385445097382012-01-17T13:22:06.771-08:002012-01-17T13:22:06.771-08:00Wow, my parents were never invested in my college....Wow, my parents were never invested in my college. They just wanted me to go. Never prepared me at all. Once I graduated high school I was expected to KNOW what to expect. I wish I had one of these! The benefit is I can do this with my children one day. Thanks for sharing this is very thoughtful. :)Suzette Emiliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16987228796402173630noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-8555927332723513922012-01-16T15:50:17.699-08:002012-01-16T15:50:17.699-08:00I never thought of this in terms of dating. I'...I never thought of this in terms of dating. I'd love to see what you come up with when it is done. Working with teens every day I feel like an emotions surfer. The ride can be exciting and scary all at the same time.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-73917954681511612752012-01-16T15:34:33.159-08:002012-01-16T15:34:33.159-08:00This is awesome, Mike! Thank you. We're curr...This is awesome, Mike! Thank you. We're currently revisiting the dating issue with teen kids. Our oldest three decided on their own not to date in high school and skip the drama (can't say I minded. It was very peaceful on that front). Now it's child number four's turn and she's balking at her siblings' choices. We've already talked about the fact that privileges come with responsibility and that as we see each teen stepping up in maturity and responsibility, we entrust greater freedom, more choices, increasing privileges. Such an interesting quest, this parenting journey! I think we might just rework the above contract with our daughter. Negotiating will no doubt be somewhat...hmmm...what's the word?...oh, yes! Animated! :) Blessings to you, Mike!Cindee Snider Rehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14997207017359343963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-66202102847991776142012-01-16T11:19:41.213-08:002012-01-16T11:19:41.213-08:00Interesting point Scott. This (providing clear di...Interesting point Scott. This (providing clear directions)is something they spout often in leadership classes. With younger childern the difficult part is when I have had to make the call on whether the given set of rules was enough to cover plausible deniability by the offender. We want our kids, as well as followers to learn to make good independent decisions. This can't fully be covered by just listing rules. As you point out well crafted guidelines and paramaters are important for developing good independent thinking. This is critical for young adults.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-56102705575194094262012-01-16T10:21:28.132-08:002012-01-16T10:21:28.132-08:00Providing guidelines and parameters is one way to ...Providing guidelines and parameters is one way to ensure a quest of ANY kind goes a lot more smoothly for those involved. Nice tie-in, and great advice for any family.Scott Fieldshttp://writingdead.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-41417006523847199722012-01-15T12:50:22.565-08:002012-01-15T12:50:22.565-08:00I totally get where you're coming from, and th...I totally get where you're coming from, and this idea might just be 'the ticket' for many. However, I don't think I feel totally comfortable with signing a written contract. I prefer a much more fluid relationship with my family members - give and take with mutual respect because we love each other not because we signed a contract... I certainly wouldn't have liked it as a young adult myself, and I wouldn't expect my children to sign one either. My 4 children are aged 20 to 26, and we've navigated these waters quite well without anything set in stone. I'm sure it might work for some people, though. It just seems far too rigid for me. Just sayin'Tracy Krausshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05066853243062725525noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-68835362200199286862012-01-15T11:07:23.740-08:002012-01-15T11:07:23.740-08:00Terrie,
The issue isn't the need for a writt...Terrie, <br /><br />The issue isn't the need for a written contract, the issue is clarity about expectations. This is the first "boomerang" generation in recent American History so it stands to reason that many families will be caught flatfooted on this issue. To a large extent as parents we reap what we sow in terms of discipline. If we have taken a hands off approach to discipline the real consequences fully bloom in young adulthood. <br /><br />Done correctly we should be tight when they are younger and we gradually release control as is appropriate for each child. Many parents are trying to tighten up after years of abdicating their responsibilities and it is not working.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-2116522757810668912012-01-15T09:34:53.656-08:002012-01-15T09:34:53.656-08:00Mike- Thank you for this subtle reminder. No matte...Mike- Thank you for this subtle reminder. No matter what stage in life we still desire our parents approval. In former generations a "verbal" agreement was all that was needed, however it seems that recent generations are taught "tangible" agreements are what's required to make a binding agreement. Great advice and loved the scriptures! Blessings!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01571892159506683588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-36717269983987172742012-01-14T11:43:59.038-08:002012-01-14T11:43:59.038-08:00Congratulations Carol on getting your kids graduat...Congratulations Carol on getting your kids graduated! It feels so satisfying when we see our children succeed. This made me think of the following verse: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother (Proverbs 10:1.)Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-37821936010013921382012-01-14T11:02:49.210-08:002012-01-14T11:02:49.210-08:00Very nicely done. I love the way you encourage all...Very nicely done. I love the way you encourage all parties in this.<br /><br />Just last month we graduated both of our kids. Wahoo! And whew!From Carols Quillhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14352913133598003358noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-48136460371233020642012-01-14T10:31:16.252-08:002012-01-14T10:31:16.252-08:00Amen Christine,
If an Adult-Child lives at home r...Amen Christine,<br /><br />If an Adult-Child lives at home regardless of college there needs to be some kind of understanding. Among many cultures it is seen as normal to have multiple generations living in a house. Honestly it is the most efficient financially, but not everyone can do this. In those culture where mixed generations live, there is an expectation that each person contribute something to the household whether it be chores, child care, or money to cover expenses. In this arrangement family finances are pooled together and the people in the house do not act as independent agents. Many American families are truning towards this reality as the economy pummels them. A young adult who moves out will blow a lot of money on rent to the point that saving for a down payment for a house becomes very prohibitive.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-5752767601088071602012-01-14T10:23:39.309-08:002012-01-14T10:23:39.309-08:00Those student responsibilities could easily be cha...Those student responsibilities could easily be changed to anyone who works with a few alterations of attending classes and grade point averages. As I am starting a new job, they are all great ideas to follow.Christine L.Hendersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06351506882885055776noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-33786801266988933422012-01-14T10:08:32.668-08:002012-01-14T10:08:32.668-08:00Hi Victor and Welcome,
The issue I see each day i...Hi Victor and Welcome,<br /><br />The issue I see each day is a lack of communication and clarity of expectations on the side of parents. When a young adult expects nothing to change and a parent expects the young adult to start bearing some part of the load there will be problems. Oftentimes parents will quietly take it while their kid ruins him or herself and will suddenly evict them. <br /><br />Many people hesitate in executring the eviction with their deadbeat because they are worried that the world will eat them up. So they wait and try to bear it until, one day fed up they throw the child's stuff out and changes the locks. This lack of notice makes things ten times worse for the newly evicted person. Wouldn't it be better to "give notice" in the form of a warning or contract so that at least they can prepare for the eviction?<br /><br /><br /><br />As a coach to young adult's I am asking the child to initiate the contract. In all honesty it is the parent's role, but this serves the young adult to get everything out in the open. So if the parent won't do it then the child needs to do it, because in the long run it is in their best interests.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-66067889605173459452012-01-14T09:59:01.374-08:002012-01-14T09:59:01.374-08:00Traci,
These are good observations and you are ri...Traci,<br /><br />These are good observations and you are right. Every family is different and the financial arrangement will be different for each. Many young adult's are itching for independence and are frustrated to see those strings of accountability still there. <br /><br />Maybe we need as parents to do a better job of managing expectations of what young adulthood will be like in terms of the relationship with us.<br /><br />The college years can function as a "life with training wheels."Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-53422412717050812252012-01-14T09:02:30.358-08:002012-01-14T09:02:30.358-08:00My parents and I didn't have a contract per se...My parents and I didn't have a contract per se, but once I was in college, they expected me to start pulling my own weight. Awfully mean of parents to pull that on me! To this day I still try to make it on my own without outside help, though that's not always possible, unfortunately.<br /><br />~ VTVictor Travisonhttp://victortravison.webs.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-67146251678774389022012-01-14T08:49:36.991-08:002012-01-14T08:49:36.991-08:00Good advice, Mike.
We didn't have a written ...Good advice, Mike. <br /><br />We didn't have a written contract, but my parents and I used some of the same guidelines in my undergrad years. My parents provided as much as they could, but since their money went into raising my brothers and me, there was no college fund. They encouraged (read: pushed) me from an early age to do my best in school so I would get scholarships, which I did. They also encouraged me to get a work-study job after my first semester in school and a summer job between semesters. <br /><br />It worked out well; between them, me and my scholarships, we spent less money on my bachelor's degree than I did on my first car (which no one co-signed on; I wouldn't let them). And as Mom reminded me sometime later when I was applying for a job and bemoaned my lack of experience, I had experience from the work-study and summer jobs and the managing editor and staff writer positions I held at the college newspaper.<br /><br />Handled properly, a student's college years are not only a time to earn a degree, but also to build trust with one's parents and the credentials and experience for that first full-time job application.Traci Bhttp://tracibonney.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-48062183875533933352012-01-14T07:19:59.724-08:002012-01-14T07:19:59.724-08:00Pegg, I too got walking papers at age 18 so I join...Pegg, I too got walking papers at age 18 so I joined the Army. When I poll my high school seniors I still see kids who have walking papers lined up, so they are making plans. My worry is the kid who doesn't know and is not making plans. The contract can be fully adjusted to show whatever level of support the parent is willing to give. Some obviously are willing to give zero. Providing a house to live in is a significant handout that needs to be acknowledged.Michael Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03265111694025560205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4299201132559218438.post-85751751716842840052012-01-14T07:07:33.250-08:002012-01-14T07:07:33.250-08:00I would have signed one of these in a minute, but ...I would have signed one of these in a minute, but my parents would never have agreed to it. They didn't believe in any support past high school, not financially or room and board. It's tough to be on your own at 18. <br /><br />My husband and I decided from the git-go that we would provide college for our son. He just graduated in December and is still living at home until he finds work (teaching degree - so not likely until next fall). We didn't have a written agreement with him, but we had a verbal understanding and he didn't disappoint us in the least. Good to have the understanding, whether in print or not.Pegg Thomashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17113756304449398701noreply@blogger.com