The Talk Part II

CSU San Bernadino

It may feel your parents want to direct all aspects of your life.  Some parents are so controlling, that the adult child is not allowed to develop.  At this point you may be saying, “Yeah that’s my parents, they will never let go.”  This can be really frustrating, but I invite you to think of it another way.   You do want your parents to help you through this next phase of life, because if you were to come out from under that umbrella of protection you may find the world to be one mean dude. 

It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition where either your parents control all aspects of your life, or they are completely cut off.  As an adult, you have the opportunity to shape the tone of the relationship between you and your parents.  Here’s a hard truth.  In some ways your thinking is still childish, you still miss things.  This is a normal part of being a young adult, so it is wise to have very experienced people who have your back.  When you have one of those “kid moments” it can be really depressing and you can really beat yourself up, but the cool part is that you ARE getting more competent. 

Remember the impulsivity of your early teens?  Your passions seemed to rule you and it got you in a lot of trouble.  Well, you are better at that now aren’t you, but if you look critically, you can see that even now there are moments you just don’t have it all together.  You don’t have to fake it that you do, because you don’t.  Knowing when to seek advice is a real indicator of growing maturity (Proverbs 19:20).  I have sought advice from a lot of people to bring this book to you.  Very little of what I’m telling you is new information, I am standing on the shoulders of other people’s wise advice and research.

There needs to be a negotiation between you and your parents.  This talk should be a series of conversations to figure out the roles and responsibilities of each party as you move into this new phase of life.  I have included a sample set of things to discuss, but you will need to adjust this to your situation.  This will be a difficult topic to discuss, so be ready to work at this.  If you have a good relationship with your parents where you can tackle difficult conversations you are halfway there!  If your family avoids conflict at any cost, this topic will be extra hard but not impossible.  You may need to keep coming back to the topic as you get derailed.  If you have fought a lot and that is the end result of most of your conversations, you will need to do some work on the relationship. 

Are you a whiner?  Do you throw a tantrum when you don’t get your way? Do you make a lot of promises or swear to show that you really mean it. If so, then you will need to learn to state your position in a less dramatic way, or you won’t achieve much in these negotiations (Matthew 5:36-38).  You will need to work at this, because the stakes are high.  The most important thing is to preserve the relationship.   You will need to decide many things and you will often disagree.  There needs to be a plan for how to do this.   When conditions change, you may need to go back and renegotiate your agreements. Just remember, it is wrong to expect total freedom.

You will need to delicately explain your needs and expect some freedom, but you should defer to your parents wishes when there is a disagreement.  If you are in a current state of open rebellion, partying and out of control, you will probably lose support very soon, but I think most people reading this are rational and fairly self-controlled.  The problem is that momentary losses of rationality can have huge implications for your future, so your parents probably know your limits and what boundaries are appropriate for you.

Ears to Hear

I teach economics to high school seniors.  For many students, I am the first (and sadly the last) person to teach them about personal finances.  Surprisingly, California does not require that I cover personal finances!  (History-Social Science, California Standards)

Nowhere does the state require that we teach how to balance a checkbook, create a budget, manage credit, and make smart consumer choices.  Luckily I can cover the state standards and still have time to cram in a lot of personal finance instruction. 

So you would think that these young adults would eat up the advice I have to offer about finances.  Wrong.  When I talk to young adults I find them typically resistant to sound financial advice.  There are always motivated kids out there who eat up wise advice, but their number is shrinking.  As a teacher who constantly probes for ways to get through.  I have a few theories as to why my teaching is rejected and here are my educated guesses:

1. I have useful advice but it can be couched in outdated terms that may make me look uninformed.  This one is my fault and I have to always be on the alert for changes in technology and trends.   My lifestyle does not put me socially in the places that interest many of my students.  I just talk differently than them and they may not get my examples.  This one is partially on me and partially on them.

2. I am discounted just because I am a teacher.  I represent the system that has “oppressed” them for most of their lives.  This failure to learn will consign them to poverty. (Prov. 12:1)

3. They don’t care about statistics, because they believe they will be well off.  This leads them to believe that there is no reason to listen to advice.  They believe they have a plan that will work (regardless of whether any real thought went into the plan.(Prov. 19:20)

4. I get discounted because I am old.  I’m only 40, but to a young adult, I may as well be 60.   To some young adults there is a strong perception that older adults hold ideas that are out of date and will not hold true in the future, so my advice cannot be trusted. (Lev 19:32) (Job 12:12) 

5. I teach concepts that are totally opposite of what they are told in the media.  These young adults are pelted with messages to conspicuously display wealth (Prov. 12:9).  I teach them to spend less than they earn, and it is seen as too embarrassing.   Similarly, the world has told them they can do whatever they want; they just have to work for it.  I tell them their career must line up with both their interests and abilities or it will end in poverty.  This always gets me sour faces. (2 Tim 4:3)

6. I teach financial concepts that are contrary to the example of their parents. It is hard to overcome a lifetime of teaching in a semester. (Pr 22:6)

7. I talk about growing money slowly to attain a middle-class lifestyle.  They want to be rich, famous, and glamorous.   These desires lead to a lot of pain down the road.  (Prov 13:11) (Eph 4:28)

8. The lack of life experience does not allow a young adult to access experience as a guide (Prov 22:15).  This is why I believe it is not appropriate to release all major decisions to a young adult regardless of what the law says.  I believe there is generally a short window of opportunity to get educated to ensure financial stability.  Unfortunately, this window is open at the very time when a person is less capable of thinking long-term.  If a young adult forgoes education during this period, it is very hard to go back later to get it done.  I did my master’s degree while working full time as a teacher, dad, and husband.  I was obviously busy, but I knew how to manage my time effectively, and I worked really hard during that phase of life.  This is another skill that is lacking among young adults. (Eph. 5:16)

9. Many (not all) young adults are coddled to the point of utter laziness and helplessness, so they don’t want to listen about becoming independent.   I had a student write to me that I should stop nagging them about getting educated because “My mom said I can live with her as long as I want.”  I tried to explain that she will want to some day be independent, or mom may become unable to support her. (Prov. 19:18)

10. Many (not all) young adults are frozen with fear over the future, so they don’t want any reminder that it is drawing closer.  This fear of failure brings about the very failure they fear the most. (Prov. 10:24)

11. What I’m talking about smacks of religion, so they shut their ears off.  This is actually true because all of my money advice is derived from the scriptures.  Being a public school teacher I don’t pelt them with verses, but God’s way works very well financially (Prov. 14:12).

12. Much of my advice requires self control, which is impossible for a person controlled by sin (Gal 5:17).  While a person can fake it to some extent, true self control only comes as a fruit if the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23).  This fruit comes only as we yield ourselves to the Spirit (Gal 5:16).  God’s way requires a relinquishing of our wishes, desires, and future to the One who saved us.  This laying down of lordship is very hard for people to do. (Mark 10:21-22)

Many of the teachings of Christ were designed to bring us to the realization that in ourselves we have no power to live by the Law.  It is only when we agree with God about our helpless condition that He can truly save us from our evil desires.

Hear the Words of Jesus

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  John 10:10

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

The Talk

 

Cal Poly Pomona



You are an adult, but most likely you do not have total autonomy to do as you wish, because your parents are still calling many of the shots in your life.   How you view this situation, and how you respond to it will help to determine the final outcome of this phase of your life.  If you receive parental financial support I hope you are grateful, because they don’t need to support you any longer.  In fact, all parental legal responsibilities end when children reach age 18.  

 This is can be surprising and a bit scary to hear this, but relax; most parents feel a sense of duty to support their children throughout their lives.  A recent survey by Sun America Financial and Age Wave found that 70% of older adults expect that they will need to help their adult children financially.  I am financially independent, but my parents still do nice things for me as well as for my family. Besides good advice and general loving towards me, my parents are awesome grandparents who enrich my children’s lives by enrolling them in things like art, science, gym and swimming classes.  

 These are gifts and carry no obligation or loss of independence on my part.  Just yesterday, my Dad insisted on paying for dinner when we all went out.  I like to joke by saying, “Dad, you do realize that I DO make money.”  His response is that when he was in my place his parents did the same for him, so I should accept it and be grateful.   He is right, and I plan to do as much as I can for my kids when they are the parents. 

The point I am making is that families tend to be interlinked financially.  This is a good thing and it functions as a primary source of insurance and that is how it is supposed to work (1 Timothy 5:8).  When other areas of support dry up, family is often there to lend a hand, so you should not turn your back on them. Staying connected with your family includes doing some of the things you classify as dumb, because that is what makes them happy.  

 Dr. James Dobson in his book Life on the Edge explains that the power roles will someday reverse to the point where you will be parenting your parents in their old age.  Because of this try to understand that you will be granted more and more freedom and at some point the relationship will move more towards friendship and mentoring, but eventually you will have to pick up the dual role of caring for your children while taking care of your parents.  Some of you can see this now with how your parents interact with your grandparents.  All of this should help you to see that it is all temporary and you shouldn’t get so bent out of shape with the current situation because it will change and all the responsibility will be on you.

We live in California, and if we had an earthquake the rendered our house unlivable, we would probably go live with my sister in law in Kansas.  If there was a tornado there, they would probably come live with us.  Family must be preserved, because of so many benefits beyond the financial.   

Helping family comes natural, even jerks seem to get this, but you will still want to walk away at times.  Resist the urge and be nice.  So as a young adult, don’t reject help from your family just because you want to be independent.  If they want to help, let them help.  The issue is that the money comes with strings, so it makes sense to find out what the strings are.  Then you can decide whether to take the money or not.  Wouldn’t it be cool if you could negotiate the strings?  There is a way. Continued Next Post…

Suggested Parental Advice for the High School Years

 Disclaimer: My children are not in college yet, so I have no young adults.  I speak from the viewpoint of an educator who has been working with high school seniors and college freshmen for fifteen years.





Stanford University


1. It really is rare for a teenager to know what they want to do as a career.  I routinely quiz my seniors on this. I have found that most of those that have decided haven’t done any research to find out if they would be suited to that career.  It is normal for them to stick their head in the sand.  Your role is to help them face the reality.  I have found that teenagers can recoil in fear when pushed.  Arrange appointments for them to talk with professionals in prospective careers.  Use your networks to let them see what people do for a living.  They won’t do this on their own, so you can do it.
2. Ditto on college choices.  Visit a number of college campuses when they are in session, attend activities at local colleges.  By viewing many campuses, they will get a sense of what they want.
3. College is not for everyone, and parents must not apply a cookie cutter approach to each child. Proverbs 22:6.  Barnes Notes on Proverbs 22:6 says “The way he should go - Or, according to the tenor of his way.”  By the high school years you should know if college is an appropriate choice
4. Monitor grades closely…very closely.  Have appropriate rewards and consequences.
5. If you have allowed a cell phone consider ditching it (pause for laughter.)  Ok I know they will go into total meltdown mode, but think about this: Most teens cannot resist this digital crack and it kills their study productivity.  Their friends insist that they text back immediately if they know they own a phone.  If you feel it is not possible to permanently take it away, then set clear rules.  No phone, music player, or computer should be in sight during study should be allowed, because all it does is slow them down.
6. Studying is not the same as doing homework.  Studying is what happens after the required stuff is done.
7. There is a maturation issue causing serous school issues.  Some kids wake up and get serious, but time is critical.  In the freshman and sophomore years, there is still time to recover from low performance.  Have your child retake all classes where there was a D or F grade.  Some high schools have additional periods for make-up classes, while others must be done during summer.  If the classes are not offered (budget cutting) then you can pay for an online course on your own.
8. Do not settle for community college just because it is cheap.  If the goal is a four year degree, then the transfer route is littered with failure.  For vocational degrees, community colleges are often the best route.  Do your homework, because your son or daughter probably won’t.
9. Private schools may be affordable, but you won’t know until you apply and get back the aid offer.
10. Do FAFSA you may be surprised by the free money available.  Get your taxes done quickly
11. Staying at home can work if you do a Parent-Student Contract. (post coming later)
12. Going away can work if you do a Parent-Student Contract.
13. AT ALL COSTS uphold the Parent-Student Contract.

Your turn.  What's your advice?
Please Add Your Comment

Cultural Barriers Part II

UC Riverside

You will need to adapt, meaning change your behavior.  This isn't fun, but it’s life.  At some point you will want to quit, but you must work past this challenge.  Adaptation is a natural part of life.  In the world of work you will need to constantly adapt to changing market conditions and new ways of doing business. 

Your cultural challenges can become a serious market advantage if you integrate yourself into the dominant culture.  You will need to create support systems at college consisting of professors, friends, study groups, and counselors.  Your family will be the emotional support, but you need to realize that you are an alien in an alien land when you go off to college.  You will have to adapt to your new environment, and this is hard work for first generation college goers. 

You do not need to turn your back on your core principles; you just need to add to who you are.  I have noticed that when two native speakers are together they utilize Spanish, but if a friend walks up, who doesn’t speak Spanish, they will shift to English.  Why does this happen?  Because they are friends, and friends don’t exclude friends.  It is like whispering, it is generally bad manners to whisper because it makes people feel uncomfortable. 


UC Riverside


Manners are the way we show others that we are not rude, so when we break a rule of behavior that is seen as “normal” we can be labeled rude by others.  The problem is that “normal” behavior at college is different than the “normal” behavior of your home or neighborhood.  If you don’t care about what others think you will find yourself alone and often out of work.  You need to realize that in college, you must speak, act and write in a way that does not offend or hurt your chances of being taken seriously.  You must use formal American Standard English in your communication. 

Don’t give up your other dialects, just add formal English to your list of dialects that you utilize.  Yelling and interrupting during a discussion are common tactics utilized by those who are not taken seriously and the will make you seem less convincing.  In your mind’s eye focus on a person you have met who is cool and collected in an argument.  Have you met someone like this? Regardless of your feelings about presidents William Clinton and Barrack Obama, both are masterful in remaining calm under intense pressure.  That is how you should act; stay calm as if the result of the argument doesn’t matter.  If you feel anger rising, it is best to hold your tongue or measure carefully what you say.

Force yourself to listen in discussions and craft your replies to the unique situation of the conversation, rather than regurgitate the same, tired arguments each day.  The idea is to separate yourself from your passions to get across your point.  If you are sharing your faith, remember that truth is on your side, but acknowledge that your knowledge of the truth is limited. 

Don’t be afraid of “facts” that seem to fly in the face of your faith.  Use these as motivation to learn more about your faith.  Look for opportunities to see God at work in all of your studies and add them to your “proof” of God’s command and authorship of all knowledge (2 Corinthians 10:4-6).  Adapting to new cultures will also be expected in whatever career you end up doing.  It is proper to shift with the situation.  You are not being double-faced, you are being considerate.  You don’t have to go back on your values to accommodate a culture.  There are many other behavioral cues you will come to notice in college.  Learn these and adapt (1 Corinthians 9:21-23). 

Cultural Barriers For First Generation College Students

Jessica Dennis of Cal State Los Angeles has identified a number of factors that make it difficult for ethnic minority first generation college students.  These students are at a very high risk of not graduating.  Here is what she identified:

1.      They tend to work (for pay) longer hours while going to college, leaving less time for study.

2.      They tend to have unrealistic expectations of college. 

3.      They tend to lack knowledge of the university system and

4.      They have a culture that conflicts more heavily with college culture.  This leads to more interpersonal difficulties with classmates, roommates, and professors. 

5.      They also tend to have “interdependent” vs. “independent” families leading to greater family obligations.  This makes it harder to get study time scheduled. 

6.      Their parents have a lack of first hand college experience resulting in an inability to help with college tasks. 

St. Mary's College

What do you do with this information?  Do you ignore it and write me off as one of those discouragers?  Do you start chanting that line from Blues Clues, “With me and you and my dog Blue, you can do anything that you want to do!”  Snap out of it.  You need a game plan.  You must meet the challenge with aforethought and sound execution.  For each of the above factors, ask yourself, “How does this give my competition an advantage over me.”  “What can I do to nullify the negative affects of these factors?” and “How could I turn this into a competitive advantage?”

I have heard it more callously put, “You can take the kid out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of the kid.”  There is some truth to this, but there are some ways to deal with these challenges.  This isn’t fair, but you will still have to work much harder to adapt than others (Titus 1:12-13).  If you come across as a knucklehead, you will be discounted by those around you and college will become more challenging.  When your professors and peers see you as smart, they will treat you like you are smart. If they perceive you as dumb, you will be ignored or mocked. Obviously smartness should not be judged based upon your cultural behaviors, but it does happen.  When people perceive you as dumb, they ignore what you have to say in discussions.  This can be infuriating to not be taken seriously.  To be taken seriously, you need to act like a serious person.

Hitting a Wall for Christmas

UC Berkeley

 Christmas can be an odd time for a college student.  Finals are usually completed, grades are in, and you are back at home with your family.  This can be difficult because for the past few months, you have had almost total control of your schedule and now you must fit in with the ebb and flow of family life.  For those of you living at home there can be a similar letdown as there is no longer an excuse (studying) for not going along with every family outing.  It can be unsettling to see how things seem to revert to feeling like the high school years and you can get to the point of wondering if anything has actually changed.  But that is not what is on my heart right now...

If you have been led by God, is it possible to fail?  

Another powerful emotion you may be battling is doubt.  If your grades were less than stellar or your interest in your major has waned, powerful doubts can arise.  Throw in a little parental pressure and it can get very stressful.

 God sometimes allows failure to prepare us for something later.  Moses got ahead of God’s timing and it forced him to run for his life (Exodus 2:11-15).  The above passage and Hebrews 11:24-27 seems to suggest that Moses discerned his purpose long before the burning bush. 

After a long time in the desert, he was ready to be used by God to lead Israel out of Egypt.   Moses learned to rely on God's power over his own.

Failures and the resulting lessons give us wisdom for something down the line.  When something goes wrong, then prayerfully examine what happened. Some questions have an answer that can only be comprehended by God Himself, so don’t be discouraged if you never figure it out.  You will always have some unanswered questions because God is infinite in His thinking and we are not (Isaiah 55:8-9) (1 Corinthians 13:9-12).

This is the hard part in chasing a dream.  Sometimes the chase is the dream (2 Cor 4:17).   The process of following God and knowing God are of more value than anything you will accomplish (Matthew 7:21-23). 

What happens when you hit a wall?  If you are going to be a doctor and you cannot pass your pre-med courses, there is a problem. Only a select few pre-med students are admitted to medical schools.   You may need to switch plans.  You are going to need stellar grades to be admitted to graduate school. If you are doing poorly in college, a self-analysis is needed. 
 

You may get called by God to do something really big. If you are submitted to the purpose of bringing glory to God these calls will come your way, so be ready.   Some of the most powerful ministries were mocked by outsiders, but they believed in the vision that was given to them by God.  They believed that if God commanded them to do it, He would provide all that was necessary for it to be accomplished (Philippians 4:19).  

 The difficulty is that only when a person is fully submitted to a close relationship with God and a heart to obey at all costs, will the vision be given (John 14:15-17).   God allows many mysteries to come into your life, so be ready to be flummoxed (Isaiah 55:9).  When God tells us to do something and we do it, we expect success, but God just wants us to do it and leave the results to Him.  You may be a small part in a long chain of events the leads to God being glorified.  You don’t always get to see the results of your effort, so you need to garner satisfaction from being faithful rather than seeing results (Hebrews 11:39-40).  

 When you are with God in Heaven, all will make sense and you will see the fruits of your obedience.  In fact you should desire that your acts of faith are noticed only by God, otherwise you are robbed of your true reward for that action (Matthew 6:2-4). This will be your crown.  If some things are beyond your ability for comprehension, force yourself to rest in the fact that He is in control and it all will make sense later.

             Until you are struck with a clear goal it is wise to walk the road God has you on now because He probably put you there (1 Corinthians 7:17).  God has something in store for you and it usually involves serving others in some capacity.  The word of God, Your gifts, abilities, experiences, personality and godly people who speak into your life all combine to show you where you should go.  You will need to show determination in the face of opposition once you have your marching orders. When sources outside the above mentioned are saying what you can and can’t do, you must ignore them (Psalm 1:1). 

 Following God is both exciting and scary, because you have given up the right to direct your steps as you see fit. Trusting Him with your life's direction is very scary, but when you focus on the object of your trust (Jesus) it becomes natural. (Proverbs 3:5-6)