Nurturing the Boomerang Generation

Image by R. Pollard

First some definitions for this post…

Boomerang Child: A boomerang is an adult, age 18 or older, who moves out of the family home for a time and then moves back in.

Deadbeat Child: A deadbeat is an adult, age 18 or older, who is not going to school, living with parent(s) or friend(s), is not working or looking for a job and does not help out with household or yard work chores.  This is not to be confused with a deadbeat parent who is failing to pay child support, but I’m sure there is a strong correlation among the two groups.

Some boomerangs are deadbeats, while some deadbeats are not boomerangs because they never left in the first place. 

There are many young adults who are living outside of the home only through substantial parental financial support, so in reality they are not financially independent.  These folks will escape the disdain of society because they look like they are successful, but their parents may view them as deadbeats.

The Situation

The Pew Research Center had the following startling facts on boomerangs:

• 29% of boomerangs say they’re satisfied with their living arrangements

• 24% of boomerangs moved back in with their parents their own because of economic conditions.

• 61% of boomerangs say they have friends or family members who have moved back in with their parents over the past few years because of economic conditions.

• Those without a college degree are twice as likely as those who have graduated from college to be living with or have moved back in with their parents (22% vs. 10%)

• 32% of 25-34 year olds receive substantial financial support from their parents. 

Stats on deadbeats are difficult to flesh out (I tried, really) due to the subjective definition of a deadbeat.  I’m just going to assume the number of deadbeats is on the rise.

What does this deadbeat trend mean to parents?

While the Pew study cites the troubled economy as the leading factor for boomerangs.  The growth of deadbeats in our society has a lot to do with our over-permissive and overindulgent parenting styles.  (Pr. 3:11-12) (Pr. 13:24) (Pr 19:18) Christian families are also falling prey to this as more and more parents equate permissiveness with love.  This is one of the main reasons for the decline of our society. 

Christians should not be surprised by this trend, but we should take note as we deal with our children (Eph 5:15-16).  As more and more of our kid’s generation become deadbeats there will be a general expectation that this type of lifestyle will be accepted in your house (1 Cor. 15:33-34).  You will have to work harder to reinforce your expectations that they grow to be independent.

A Biblical Way Forward for Parents

We as parents must nurture our children towards independence.  In addition as Christians, we should aspire to instill a strong sense of devotion to Christ. (Proverbs 22:6) (Ephesians 6:4)

Discipline is going to look different for each family as well as for each child.  Their personality bents, interests, and gifts seen through the light of scripture should determine our methods (Proverbs 22:6).

David failed to discipline his son Amnon for raping his sister Tamar.  David was angry but did nothing.  David’s guilt from his adultery with Bathsheba and murder of her husband made him less willing to do what needed to be done.   This inaction led to the death of his sons Amnon and Absolom, as well as 20,000 Israelites in a costly civil war.  (2 Samuel Chapters 13-18)

A Biblical Way Forward for Adult Children

If you are a young adult reading this and you are not doing enough to contribute to the household or doing enough to move towards independence, you will probably be kicked out soon.   Ditto, if you are living with a friend. 

Living the life of a deadbeat is a life of sin.  Confess your sins to God.  Change and get to work. (Pr. 10:1) (Pr. 10:4) (Pr. 12:24) (1 John 1:9) (Pr. 14:23)

If you are a young adult receiving financial support then sit down and talk with your parents about their expectations of you.  Communication is key and all parties have to do their part.   Why wait until the door locks are changed and your stuff is thrown out on the front porch?

This post is a part of the Christian Writers Blog Chain.  Check out other great posts by clicking on the links on the left.



Please comment I really want to hear your take on this difficult and interesting subject.

Taking the Leap to Submit

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Submission is a natural facet of life.  Children submit to their parents, husbands and wives submit to each other, employees submit to the boss, and bosses must submit to the will of the customers.  There are times, however, when you must not submit. Do not submit when you are being asked to do something you know is morally wrong. 

My pastor has an expression to help young people understand this mystery of dealing with people who have authority over you:  “Obey when unreasonable, disobey if immoral.”  The idea is that ninety-nine times out of a hundred you will obey and do what you are told.  When a person is in charge they may not have time to explain something fully and need you to quickly follow directions. 

If I explained everything to my kids I’d go crazy.  I am a leader who has lead in many situations.  Explaining why is useless if the followers will not understand the reasoning behind the explanation.  They must just trust me and let it go.  Sometimes as a leader I am not allowed to share the reasoning behind a directive because my superior has asked me to not share that information. 

You need to know that too many questions are considered rude and disrespectful.  Sometimes the issue is timing, if I have time I will explain something later, sometimes I won’t.  So as a follower, you should follow the directive, then if it is really bugging you, talk with your supervisor afterwards when you are alone with them.  As a young adult, you need to know your place, and realize that you just need to follow directions and work hard (Romans 13:1-7).

When you are told to do something that seems illogical (not immoral but illogical), it can be very hard to follow directions.  Fight the urge to mumble and complain along with the other workers. This will be hard because most likely the others will.  If you feel you need to challenge the leader, you should be as tactful as possible.  Be aware that you are stepping into a minefield and proceed cautiously.  You need to state what you see as wrong without coming across as insulting (Daniel 3:13-18).  This takes great courage, but you need to follow God on this. 

If you follow blindly without running things through God’s truth, you can find yourself doing something that could do a lot of damage.  Remember: Obey if unreasonable, disobey if immoral.  If what you are asked to do is against the law, don’t do it.  If it will hurt someone else, don’t do it.  If it goes against your values, don’t do it.

You should not wait until a person is worthy of your respect before you extend them that respect.  Don’t be surprised when respect is not given to you, you haven’t earned it yet.  Your turn will come, and then you will need to use your authority and prestige to help others.

Dealing With Your Parents

Some of you bristle when your parents start giving advice.  Don’t completely write off what your parents say, no matter how annoying they seem (Proverbs 15:5).   They know you well and you should bring all important decisions to their attention to get their input.  They love you and would be honored to be consulted.  When you start hiding things, you erode the bonds of trust.  Because your parents know you so well, they can almost innately know what will work for you.  William McRae in his book Preparing for Your Marriage explains that if you are dating someone and your parents intensely dislike that person, then you should beware because these marriages tend to not last.

If your parents did not go to college you will obviously be getting technical support from classmates, study group members, faculty and counselors, but your parents should always be allowed to speak in to your life (Proverbs 23:22) (Leviticus 19:32). 

“You don’t trust me,” says the daughter.  “You need to just get over it and let go already.  I’m grown up.” And now, using my powers of an older adult who works with young adults I will translate what your parents hear when you say this.

“Waaaaaaaaah! See how childish I am, Wwwwaaaaah! Let me have what I want. Waaaaaaaah!” 

Why would any sane parent extend more freedom to a child who shows a lack of maturity?  You must earn your respect, by being mature and proper submission is a sign of maturity. Here’s an adult tip:  Next time you don’t get your way from your parents, suck it up and accept it without pouting.  You can state that you disagree, but that you will obey because you respect them.  Wow!  That’s an adult response many adults never seem to learn.  Submission is a powerful form of love and it shows your strength of character. 

            Joseph (Genesis 39:20-23) and Daniel (Daniel Chapter 2) are excellent examples of submission.  Joseph became second in command to Pharaoh king of Egypt, but he started off as a faithful servant.  Daniel likewise was servant to the evil emperor of Babylon.  Both treaded the fine line of submission to authority while remaining faithful to God’s commands.  Joseph was thrown in jail over his convictions and left to rot, while Daniel was thrown to the lions.  Both were protected by God.  There will be times when you will stand your ground and God will supernaturally protect you.  Unfortunately God doesn’t always choose to do this and you will never know which it will be (Hebrews 11:35-40).

The Quest for Better Student-Parent Relationships

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     Below is one of the most amazing tools for those of you looking for a breakthrough in the relationship with your parents.  Warning, this tool is dangerous and should only be wielded by people who truly want a breakthrough. A parent-student contact clarifies expectations and responsibilities so that everything is out in the open.  As mentioned in earlier posts, if you do not show your parents that you are moving forward in life they will be less likely to support you going forward.  

     Most young adults would instinctively run from such an agreement but the things that seem counter-intuitive are often the best decision to make (Prov 14:12) (Prov 11:14). This agreement will show your resolve to execute a well thought out plan of becoming financially independent through your college education. 

Parent Student Contact Template

The contract can be modified to fit the intent of the situation in any way. Contracts can be annulled by either party, but must be renegotiated by both parties.   

Student Responsibilities:

·          Work hard and accept responsibility for my own learning.

·          Maintain at least a 3.0 grade point average.

·          Do all of my work to the best of my ability.

·          Make good use of private study time.

·          Ask for help when I need it.

·          Attend all classes.

·          Keep parents informed about important college matters.

·          Abide by the college rules.

·          Employment; I will get a part time job. The exception will be my first semester. For the first semester I will not work and commit myself to college and getting acclimated.

·          Graduate from _________ University in four years

·          Manage my money wisely and do not obtain credit without consulting parents.

·          If I drop a class I will be responsible to pay for any replacement classes.

·          I will always attempt to choose the best option that considers my own well-being, health, and safety.

Parental Responsibilities:

·          To be positive, helpful, and supportive.

·          Pay for tuition, room, board, books and fees (or whatever you agree)

·          Pay for transportation to and from _________ University.

·          Provide a weekly allowance which is to be paid one time at the beginning of each semester.

·          We have read the above stated responsibilities and agree to jointly work toward the successful goals of completing your college experience at _________ University.

Student Signature: _____________________    Date:___________

Parent Signature: __________________     Date:____________

Parent Signature: __________________     Date:____________

This contract will take time to hammer out so you should enter the negotiations with the understanding that you will need to accept less then you want.    It is highly possible that after the contract is complete, you may be disappointed.  It could feel that nothing has really changed.  This could be true, but the important thing is that you have agreed to be held accountable.  This builds trust with your parents and they will be more likely to take you seriously.   We all long to be seen as competent by our parents, and this feeling does not go away with time.  I believe it increases. When you make good decisions, it brings joy to your parents.  A parent-student contract is a way to honor your parents, because you are seeking their advice and truly submitting to them. 

• Proverbs 13:1     A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not respond to rebukes.
• Proverbs 15:20    A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish man despises his mother. 
• ^{Ephesians 6:1-3}   "Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—  “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. 

Regarding the contract,  if it contains a lot of changes from how you were operating, give it time to feel normal.  Go easy on each other as it will be a bit weird as you both adjust.  The reality is that much will change due to the nature of your demanding schedule.  This is a new phase of your life.  It will be different.  Please trust me.  You should not worry about constant nagging and micromanaging from your parents because you will be so busy studying and working. Parents need to see you doing well.  The onus is on you to do things that build their trust.  It doesn't work the other way around.  

It would be foolish to slap a 10-year old child in a car and let him go cruising. A wise parent will look at the capabilities of their child when determining what is appropriate and will not set arbitrary dates when certain privileges are extended.  Don't expect your parents to blindly trust you to make adult decisions, you must show yourself capable.  This contact is one of many things you will need to do to earn that trust.

See: Billy Grahm on Deadbeat Adult Children

The Talk Part III

Although you will negotiate with your parents to set up a new working relationship, you are not an equal power party.  The more financial support you receive from your parents, the more you will need to bend to their rules.  Significant $$$ = power.  If you are living at home, you need to realize that the roof and the food represent significant financial support.  Follow the rules of the house. 

St. Mary's College

For the few of you who live in dorms or apartments, you will naturally have more autonomy just because of the separation of distance. You must still figure out what is expected of you.  Why would any sane person ask what is expected of them?  Doesn’t it just encourage the parents out there to multiply the rules and restrictions?  The reason you initiate this conversation is because you are reassuring your parents of your ability to finish college, thereby showing them that their investment in you (while still carrying risk) is less risky because you have a plan.  

Your parents will be more likely to support you for a longer amount of time if you have done this step correctly.  The other critical reason why you must establish this is that you are an adult and that is what adults do.  It would be great if the parent took the initiative, but if this is not happening it is up to you to start the conversation. 

Picture yourself entering a dark cave without a flashlight. As you walk deeper into this cave you rationally know that however far you walk into it you can retrace your steps to get back out.  Walking farther along the cave you stumble your way around a bend and the light from the entrance dims.  At this point it is dark, and you know that if you just turn around you can get out.  That is probably what will happen.  You will give up your walk and leave the cave.

But what if while in that dark bend, someone yells from the entrance and tells you that the cave is not a cave, but rather a tunnel through the mountain.  This person also tells you there is a pile of gold waiting at the other end.   So you proceed into the dark, feeling along the wall, in what you feel is the right way towards the other end and the pile of gold.  As the tunnel seems to turn again, a new fear creeps into your mind.  “What if there are dead ends inside of this?  What if I get lost and never get out?  This isn’t worth it.  I think I’ll go back.”  You know it is a tunnel, you know there is gold at the end, but you are worried about the unknown. 

Funding a child through college is similar to this experience.  A parent knows all their child’s flaws and how they could lead to failure. Parents know about dropout statistics and they also know of families saddled with the endless college debt of a 3^rd year dropout.  Add to that a child that is unsure of what they want to do and has just changed majors for the third time compounding yet another two years of college expenses.  Do see why a parent may fear, putting their trust in you?

Rewind!  You are back at the entrance, you are told it is a tunnel, you are told it will be dark, but there will be a tiny indicator light at the end of each section of the tunnel.  These lights are similar to the little lights you see on a Christmas tree.  While the indicator lights will not be enough to light your way, it will be just enough to point you in the right direction.  There may be obstacles that you could trip over, and you will need to still feel along the wall, but those little lights will be there.  Oh and yes, the big pile of gold is still there, are you willing to risk it?  Of course you would.  This is doable, this is reasonable.  You will go much further if you just have a little indication that it is going to turn out alright. 

So, how can you reassure your parents so that their patience and financial assistance won’t wear out?  Remember this: A parent who is supporting an adult child needs to see the light at the end of the gravy train tunnel.  Without any clues they will turn around sooner.   A parent-student contract is a great tool for this purpose.  Parents often say it this way, “As long as you are going to school I will support you.”  Even though they say this don’t believe this is all they want.  There are more stipulations, so you might as well get them out in the open so that there are no surprises.

Negotiate everything and later when you run into something that was not negotiated go back to the table and negotiate that.  Write everything down. Next Post:  Parent Student Contact Template

The Talk Part II

CSU San Bernadino

It may feel your parents want to direct all aspects of your life.  Some parents are so controlling, that the adult child is not allowed to develop.  At this point you may be saying, “Yeah that’s my parents, they will never let go.”  This can be really frustrating, but I invite you to think of it another way.   You do want your parents to help you through this next phase of life, because if you were to come out from under that umbrella of protection you may find the world to be one mean dude. 

It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition where either your parents control all aspects of your life, or they are completely cut off.  As an adult, you have the opportunity to shape the tone of the relationship between you and your parents.  Here’s a hard truth.  In some ways your thinking is still childish, you still miss things.  This is a normal part of being a young adult, so it is wise to have very experienced people who have your back.  When you have one of those “kid moments” it can be really depressing and you can really beat yourself up, but the cool part is that you ARE getting more competent. 

Remember the impulsivity of your early teens?  Your passions seemed to rule you and it got you in a lot of trouble.  Well, you are better at that now aren’t you, but if you look critically, you can see that even now there are moments you just don’t have it all together.  You don’t have to fake it that you do, because you don’t.  Knowing when to seek advice is a real indicator of growing maturity (Proverbs 19:20).  I have sought advice from a lot of people to bring this book to you.  Very little of what I’m telling you is new information, I am standing on the shoulders of other people’s wise advice and research.

There needs to be a negotiation between you and your parents.  This talk should be a series of conversations to figure out the roles and responsibilities of each party as you move into this new phase of life.  I have included a sample set of things to discuss, but you will need to adjust this to your situation.  This will be a difficult topic to discuss, so be ready to work at this.  If you have a good relationship with your parents where you can tackle difficult conversations you are halfway there!  If your family avoids conflict at any cost, this topic will be extra hard but not impossible.  You may need to keep coming back to the topic as you get derailed.  If you have fought a lot and that is the end result of most of your conversations, you will need to do some work on the relationship. 

Are you a whiner?  Do you throw a tantrum when you don’t get your way? Do you make a lot of promises or swear to show that you really mean it. If so, then you will need to learn to state your position in a less dramatic way, or you won’t achieve much in these negotiations (Matthew 5:36-38).  You will need to work at this, because the stakes are high.  The most important thing is to preserve the relationship.   You will need to decide many things and you will often disagree.  There needs to be a plan for how to do this.   When conditions change, you may need to go back and renegotiate your agreements. Just remember, it is wrong to expect total freedom.

You will need to delicately explain your needs and expect some freedom, but you should defer to your parents wishes when there is a disagreement.  If you are in a current state of open rebellion, partying and out of control, you will probably lose support very soon, but I think most people reading this are rational and fairly self-controlled.  The problem is that momentary losses of rationality can have huge implications for your future, so your parents probably know your limits and what boundaries are appropriate for you.

The Talk

 

Cal Poly Pomona



You are an adult, but most likely you do not have total autonomy to do as you wish, because your parents are still calling many of the shots in your life.   How you view this situation, and how you respond to it will help to determine the final outcome of this phase of your life.  If you receive parental financial support I hope you are grateful, because they don’t need to support you any longer.  In fact, all parental legal responsibilities end when children reach age 18.  

 This is can be surprising and a bit scary to hear this, but relax; most parents feel a sense of duty to support their children throughout their lives.  A recent survey by Sun America Financial and Age Wave found that 70% of older adults expect that they will need to help their adult children financially.  I am financially independent, but my parents still do nice things for me as well as for my family. Besides good advice and general loving towards me, my parents are awesome grandparents who enrich my children’s lives by enrolling them in things like art, science, gym and swimming classes.  

 These are gifts and carry no obligation or loss of independence on my part.  Just yesterday, my Dad insisted on paying for dinner when we all went out.  I like to joke by saying, “Dad, you do realize that I DO make money.”  His response is that when he was in my place his parents did the same for him, so I should accept it and be grateful.   He is right, and I plan to do as much as I can for my kids when they are the parents. 

The point I am making is that families tend to be interlinked financially.  This is a good thing and it functions as a primary source of insurance and that is how it is supposed to work (1 Timothy 5:8).  When other areas of support dry up, family is often there to lend a hand, so you should not turn your back on them. Staying connected with your family includes doing some of the things you classify as dumb, because that is what makes them happy.  

 Dr. James Dobson in his book Life on the Edge explains that the power roles will someday reverse to the point where you will be parenting your parents in their old age.  Because of this try to understand that you will be granted more and more freedom and at some point the relationship will move more towards friendship and mentoring, but eventually you will have to pick up the dual role of caring for your children while taking care of your parents.  Some of you can see this now with how your parents interact with your grandparents.  All of this should help you to see that it is all temporary and you shouldn’t get so bent out of shape with the current situation because it will change and all the responsibility will be on you.

We live in California, and if we had an earthquake the rendered our house unlivable, we would probably go live with my sister in law in Kansas.  If there was a tornado there, they would probably come live with us.  Family must be preserved, because of so many benefits beyond the financial.   

Helping family comes natural, even jerks seem to get this, but you will still want to walk away at times.  Resist the urge and be nice.  So as a young adult, don’t reject help from your family just because you want to be independent.  If they want to help, let them help.  The issue is that the money comes with strings, so it makes sense to find out what the strings are.  Then you can decide whether to take the money or not.  Wouldn’t it be cool if you could negotiate the strings?  There is a way. Continued Next Post…

Suggested Parental Advice for the High School Years

 Disclaimer: My children are not in college yet, so I have no young adults.  I speak from the viewpoint of an educator who has been working with high school seniors and college freshmen for fifteen years.





Stanford University


1. It really is rare for a teenager to know what they want to do as a career.  I routinely quiz my seniors on this. I have found that most of those that have decided haven’t done any research to find out if they would be suited to that career.  It is normal for them to stick their head in the sand.  Your role is to help them face the reality.  I have found that teenagers can recoil in fear when pushed.  Arrange appointments for them to talk with professionals in prospective careers.  Use your networks to let them see what people do for a living.  They won’t do this on their own, so you can do it.
2. Ditto on college choices.  Visit a number of college campuses when they are in session, attend activities at local colleges.  By viewing many campuses, they will get a sense of what they want.
3. College is not for everyone, and parents must not apply a cookie cutter approach to each child. Proverbs 22:6.  Barnes Notes on Proverbs 22:6 says “The way he should go - Or, according to the tenor of his way.”  By the high school years you should know if college is an appropriate choice
4. Monitor grades closely…very closely.  Have appropriate rewards and consequences.
5. If you have allowed a cell phone consider ditching it (pause for laughter.)  Ok I know they will go into total meltdown mode, but think about this: Most teens cannot resist this digital crack and it kills their study productivity.  Their friends insist that they text back immediately if they know they own a phone.  If you feel it is not possible to permanently take it away, then set clear rules.  No phone, music player, or computer should be in sight during study should be allowed, because all it does is slow them down.
6. Studying is not the same as doing homework.  Studying is what happens after the required stuff is done.
7. There is a maturation issue causing serous school issues.  Some kids wake up and get serious, but time is critical.  In the freshman and sophomore years, there is still time to recover from low performance.  Have your child retake all classes where there was a D or F grade.  Some high schools have additional periods for make-up classes, while others must be done during summer.  If the classes are not offered (budget cutting) then you can pay for an online course on your own.
8. Do not settle for community college just because it is cheap.  If the goal is a four year degree, then the transfer route is littered with failure.  For vocational degrees, community colleges are often the best route.  Do your homework, because your son or daughter probably won’t.
9. Private schools may be affordable, but you won’t know until you apply and get back the aid offer.
10. Do FAFSA you may be surprised by the free money available.  Get your taxes done quickly
11. Staying at home can work if you do a Parent-Student Contract. (post coming later)
12. Going away can work if you do a Parent-Student Contract.
13. AT ALL COSTS uphold the Parent-Student Contract.

Your turn.  What's your advice?
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