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Most young adults would instinctively run from such an agreement but the things that seem counter-intuitive are often the best decision to make (Prov 14:12) (Prov 11:14). This agreement will show your resolve to execute a well thought out plan of becoming financially independent through your college education.
Parent Student Contact Template
The contract can be modified to fit the intent of the situation in any way. Contracts can be annulled by either party, but must be renegotiated by both parties.
Student Responsibilities:
· Work hard and accept responsibility for my own learning.
· Maintain at least a 3.0 grade point average.
· Do all of my work to the best of my ability.
· Make good use of private study time.
· Ask for help when I need it.
· Attend all classes.
· Keep parents informed about important college matters.
· Abide by the college rules.
· Employment; I will get a part time job. The exception will be my first semester. For the first semester I will not work and commit myself to college and getting acclimated.
· Graduate from _________ University
· Manage my money wisely and do not obtain credit without consulting parents.
· If I drop a class I will be responsible to pay for any replacement classes.
· I will always attempt to choose the best option that considers my own well-being, health, and safety.
Parental Responsibilities:
· To be positive, helpful, and supportive.
· Pay for tuition, room, board, books and fees (or whatever you agree)
· Pay for transportation to and from _________ University
· Provide a weekly allowance which is to be paid one time at the beginning of each semester.
· We have read the above stated responsibilities and agree to jointly work toward the successful goals of completing your college experience at _________ University
Student Signature: _____________________ Date:___________
Parent Signature: __________________ Date:____________
Parent Signature: __________________ Date:____________
This contract will take time to hammer out so you should enter the negotiations with the understanding that you will need to accept less then you want. It is highly possible that after the contract is complete, you may be disappointed. It could feel that nothing has really changed. This could be true, but the important thing is that you have agreed to be held accountable. This builds trust with your parents and they will be more likely to take you seriously. We all long to be seen as competent by our parents, and this feeling does not go away with time. I believe it increases. When you make good decisions, it brings joy to your parents. A parent-student contract is a way to honor your parents, because you are seeking their advice and truly submitting to them.
- Proverbs 13:1 A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not respond to rebukes.
- Proverbs 15:20 A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish man despises his mother.
- Ephesians 6:1-3 "Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.
Regarding the contract, if it contains a lot of changes from how you were operating, give it time to feel normal. Go easy on each other as it will be a bit weird as you both adjust. The reality is that much will change due to the nature of your demanding schedule. This is a new phase of your life. It will be different. Please trust me. You should not worry about constant nagging and micromanaging from your parents because you will be so busy studying and working. Parents need to see you doing well. The onus is on you to do things that build their trust. It doesn't work the other way around.
It would be foolish to slap a 10-year old child in a car and let him go cruising. A wise parent will look at the capabilities of their child when determining what is appropriate and will not set arbitrary dates when certain privileges are extended. Don't expect your parents to blindly trust you to make adult decisions, you must show yourself capable. This contact is one of many things you will need to do to earn that trust.
See: Billy Grahm on Deadbeat Adult Children
It would be foolish to slap a 10-year old child in a car and let him go cruising. A wise parent will look at the capabilities of their child when determining what is appropriate and will not set arbitrary dates when certain privileges are extended. Don't expect your parents to blindly trust you to make adult decisions, you must show yourself capable. This contact is one of many things you will need to do to earn that trust.
See: Billy Grahm on Deadbeat Adult Children
Great post!
ReplyDeleteThank You Debra
ReplyDeleteI would have signed one of these in a minute, but my parents would never have agreed to it. They didn't believe in any support past high school, not financially or room and board. It's tough to be on your own at 18.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I decided from the git-go that we would provide college for our son. He just graduated in December and is still living at home until he finds work (teaching degree - so not likely until next fall). We didn't have a written agreement with him, but we had a verbal understanding and he didn't disappoint us in the least. Good to have the understanding, whether in print or not.
Pegg, I too got walking papers at age 18 so I joined the Army. When I poll my high school seniors I still see kids who have walking papers lined up, so they are making plans. My worry is the kid who doesn't know and is not making plans. The contract can be fully adjusted to show whatever level of support the parent is willing to give. Some obviously are willing to give zero. Providing a house to live in is a significant handout that needs to be acknowledged.
ReplyDeleteGood advice, Mike.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't have a written contract, but my parents and I used some of the same guidelines in my undergrad years. My parents provided as much as they could, but since their money went into raising my brothers and me, there was no college fund. They encouraged (read: pushed) me from an early age to do my best in school so I would get scholarships, which I did. They also encouraged me to get a work-study job after my first semester in school and a summer job between semesters.
It worked out well; between them, me and my scholarships, we spent less money on my bachelor's degree than I did on my first car (which no one co-signed on; I wouldn't let them). And as Mom reminded me sometime later when I was applying for a job and bemoaned my lack of experience, I had experience from the work-study and summer jobs and the managing editor and staff writer positions I held at the college newspaper.
Handled properly, a student's college years are not only a time to earn a degree, but also to build trust with one's parents and the credentials and experience for that first full-time job application.
Traci,
DeleteThese are good observations and you are right. Every family is different and the financial arrangement will be different for each. Many young adult's are itching for independence and are frustrated to see those strings of accountability still there.
Maybe we need as parents to do a better job of managing expectations of what young adulthood will be like in terms of the relationship with us.
The college years can function as a "life with training wheels."
My parents and I didn't have a contract per se, but once I was in college, they expected me to start pulling my own weight. Awfully mean of parents to pull that on me! To this day I still try to make it on my own without outside help, though that's not always possible, unfortunately.
ReplyDelete~ VT
Hi Victor and Welcome,
DeleteThe issue I see each day is a lack of communication and clarity of expectations on the side of parents. When a young adult expects nothing to change and a parent expects the young adult to start bearing some part of the load there will be problems. Oftentimes parents will quietly take it while their kid ruins him or herself and will suddenly evict them.
Many people hesitate in executring the eviction with their deadbeat because they are worried that the world will eat them up. So they wait and try to bear it until, one day fed up they throw the child's stuff out and changes the locks. This lack of notice makes things ten times worse for the newly evicted person. Wouldn't it be better to "give notice" in the form of a warning or contract so that at least they can prepare for the eviction?
As a coach to young adult's I am asking the child to initiate the contract. In all honesty it is the parent's role, but this serves the young adult to get everything out in the open. So if the parent won't do it then the child needs to do it, because in the long run it is in their best interests.
Those student responsibilities could easily be changed to anyone who works with a few alterations of attending classes and grade point averages. As I am starting a new job, they are all great ideas to follow.
DeleteAmen Christine,
ReplyDeleteIf an Adult-Child lives at home regardless of college there needs to be some kind of understanding. Among many cultures it is seen as normal to have multiple generations living in a house. Honestly it is the most efficient financially, but not everyone can do this. In those culture where mixed generations live, there is an expectation that each person contribute something to the household whether it be chores, child care, or money to cover expenses. In this arrangement family finances are pooled together and the people in the house do not act as independent agents. Many American families are truning towards this reality as the economy pummels them. A young adult who moves out will blow a lot of money on rent to the point that saving for a down payment for a house becomes very prohibitive.
Very nicely done. I love the way you encourage all parties in this.
ReplyDeleteJust last month we graduated both of our kids. Wahoo! And whew!
Congratulations Carol on getting your kids graduated! It feels so satisfying when we see our children succeed. This made me think of the following verse: A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother (Proverbs 10:1.)
ReplyDeleteMike- Thank you for this subtle reminder. No matter what stage in life we still desire our parents approval. In former generations a "verbal" agreement was all that was needed, however it seems that recent generations are taught "tangible" agreements are what's required to make a binding agreement. Great advice and loved the scriptures! Blessings!!!
ReplyDeleteTerrie,
ReplyDeleteThe issue isn't the need for a written contract, the issue is clarity about expectations. This is the first "boomerang" generation in recent American History so it stands to reason that many families will be caught flatfooted on this issue. To a large extent as parents we reap what we sow in terms of discipline. If we have taken a hands off approach to discipline the real consequences fully bloom in young adulthood.
Done correctly we should be tight when they are younger and we gradually release control as is appropriate for each child. Many parents are trying to tighten up after years of abdicating their responsibilities and it is not working.
I totally get where you're coming from, and this idea might just be 'the ticket' for many. However, I don't think I feel totally comfortable with signing a written contract. I prefer a much more fluid relationship with my family members - give and take with mutual respect because we love each other not because we signed a contract... I certainly wouldn't have liked it as a young adult myself, and I wouldn't expect my children to sign one either. My 4 children are aged 20 to 26, and we've navigated these waters quite well without anything set in stone. I'm sure it might work for some people, though. It just seems far too rigid for me. Just sayin'
ReplyDeleteProviding guidelines and parameters is one way to ensure a quest of ANY kind goes a lot more smoothly for those involved. Nice tie-in, and great advice for any family.
ReplyDeleteInteresting point Scott. This (providing clear directions)is something they spout often in leadership classes. With younger childern the difficult part is when I have had to make the call on whether the given set of rules was enough to cover plausible deniability by the offender. We want our kids, as well as followers to learn to make good independent decisions. This can't fully be covered by just listing rules. As you point out well crafted guidelines and paramaters are important for developing good independent thinking. This is critical for young adults.
DeleteThis is awesome, Mike! Thank you. We're currently revisiting the dating issue with teen kids. Our oldest three decided on their own not to date in high school and skip the drama (can't say I minded. It was very peaceful on that front). Now it's child number four's turn and she's balking at her siblings' choices. We've already talked about the fact that privileges come with responsibility and that as we see each teen stepping up in maturity and responsibility, we entrust greater freedom, more choices, increasing privileges. Such an interesting quest, this parenting journey! I think we might just rework the above contract with our daughter. Negotiating will no doubt be somewhat...hmmm...what's the word?...oh, yes! Animated! :) Blessings to you, Mike!
ReplyDeleteI never thought of this in terms of dating. I'd love to see what you come up with when it is done. Working with teens every day I feel like an emotions surfer. The ride can be exciting and scary all at the same time.
DeleteWow, my parents were never invested in my college. They just wanted me to go. Never prepared me at all. Once I graduated high school I was expected to KNOW what to expect. I wish I had one of these! The benefit is I can do this with my children one day. Thanks for sharing this is very thoughtful. :)
ReplyDeleteSuzette,
DeleteI'm glad it was helpful. Your comment made me think about parents. It is a hard job and even a person who is trying still fails in some areas. There are a lot of well-meaning people who do things that are not really beneficial for their children. Giving an 18 year old the full rights and privileges of adulthood strikes me as odd, but we have been doing it for awhile. It used to be that you could drop out of high school, walk across the street to a factory and earn enough to support a family. Since we are now a service oriented economy, a young adult must do some type of post secondary education in order to be able to support a family.
Very interesting. Things are a little different in Australia. We don't have the ingrained culture of 'moving away to go to college'. I was fortunate to have a university right in my home town so I didn't have to go anywhere.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, this concept of spelling out responsibilities between parent and child is quite interesting and something I might keep in mind as my children get older (currently very young).
Adam,
ReplyDeleteYou bring up an interesting concept of cultural differences. Most US kids attending college are within 50 miles of home, so the concept of a child who goes away is not always the picture of what is happening. I tend to focus on that group too much sometimes. Each family is going to have different attitudes regarding college and each culture will have a different educational system. I can only talk about the US system, because that is the system in which I work.
OH MY! If only I had this back when I was a teenager....
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a good story to share. The question is would you as a young adult have initiated the conversation to create such a contract? It would be preferable for the parents to initiate this, but the student should if the parent isn't taking the initiative.
DeleteDelete
I've heard of some folks doing this. Very informative. Thank you for posting this.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
Thank you. It's not for every family, but it is a tool that can be useful.
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