 |
| Image by R. Pollard |
First some definitions for this post…
Boomerang Child:
A boomerang is an adult, age 18 or older,
who moves out of the family home for a time and then moves back in.
Deadbeat Child:
A deadbeat is an adult, age 18 or older,
who is not going to school, living with parent(s) or friend(s), is not working
or looking for a job and does not help out with household or yard work chores. This is not to be confused with a deadbeat
parent who is failing to pay child support, but I’m sure there is a strong
correlation among the two groups.
Some boomerangs are deadbeats, while some deadbeats are not
boomerangs because they never left in the first place.
There are many young adults who are living outside of the
home only through substantial parental financial support, so in reality they
are not financially independent. These
folks will escape the disdain of society because they look like they are
successful, but their parents may view them as deadbeats.
The Situation
The Pew
Research Center had the following startling facts on boomerangs:
- 29% of boomerangs say they’re satisfied with their living arrangements
- 24% of boomerangs moved back in with their parents their own because of economic conditions.
- 61% of boomerangs say they have friends or family members who have moved back in with their parents over the past few years because of economic conditions.
- Those without a college degree are twice as likely as those who have graduated from college to be living with or have moved back in with their parents (22% vs. 10%)
- 32% of 25-34 year olds receive substantial financial support from their parents.
Stats on deadbeats are difficult to flesh out (I tried,
really) due to the subjective definition of a deadbeat. I’m just going to assume the number of
deadbeats is on the rise.
What does this deadbeat trend mean to parents?
While the Pew study cites the troubled economy as the
leading factor for boomerangs. The
growth of deadbeats in our society has a lot to do with our over-permissive and
overindulgent parenting styles. (Pr.
3:11-12) (Pr. 13:24) (Pr 19:18) Christian families are also falling prey to
this as more and more parents equate permissiveness with love. This is one of the main reasons for the
decline of our society.
Christians should not be surprised by this trend, but we
should take note as we deal with our children (Eph 5:15-16). As more and more of our kid’s generation
become deadbeats there will be a general expectation that this type of
lifestyle will be accepted in your house (1 Cor. 15:33-34). You will have to work harder to reinforce your
expectations that they grow to be independent.
A Biblical Way Forward for Parents
We as parents must nurture our children towards
independence. In addition as Christians,
we should aspire to instill a strong sense of devotion to Christ. (Proverbs 22:6) (Ephesians 6:4)
Discipline is going to look different for each family as
well as for each child. Their
personality bents, interests, and gifts seen through the light of scripture
should determine our methods (Proverbs 22:6).
David failed to discipline his son Amnon for raping his sister
Tamar. David was angry but did
nothing. David’s guilt from his adultery
with Bathsheba and murder of her husband made him less willing to do what
needed to be done. This inaction led to
the death of his sons Amnon and Absolom, as well as 20,000 Israelites in a
costly civil war. (2 Samuel Chapters
13-18)
A Biblical Way Forward for Adult Children
If you are a young adult reading this and you are not doing
enough to contribute to the household or doing enough to move
towards independence, you will probably be kicked out soon. Ditto, if you are living with a friend.
Living the life of a deadbeat is a life of sin. Confess your sins to God. Change and get to work. (Pr. 10:1) (Pr. 10:4)
(Pr. 12:24) (1 John 1:9) (Pr. 14:23)
If you are a young adult receiving financial support then
sit down and talk with your parents about their expectations of you. Communication is key and all parties have to
do their part. Why wait until the door
locks are changed and your stuff is thrown out on the front porch?
This post is a part of the Christian Writers Blog Chain. Check out other great posts by clicking on the links on the left.
Please comment I really want to hear your take on this difficult and interesting subject.
Please comment I really want to hear your take on this difficult and interesting subject.
The days of graduating high school and moving into an independent adult status are pretty much over. College degree that used to be 4 years are now 5 or even 6 years to obtain. Schools are making it even more difficult for young adults to move forward. I feel for the young people who do not have the options we did *mumble* years ago.
ReplyDeleteThat said, they need to be working at something. A job, a degree, or on the farm. :)
Pegg,
DeleteFinancial independence is a fuzzy thing. It means different things to different people as many adults are still receiving some form of support even in late adulthood. Multi-generational housing is very common elsewhere but is becoming more prevalent in the US. Baby Boomers are experiencing a sandwich effect of having to support children and their parents. People are living longer and the savings as well as the ability to make money fades with longer lives.
It is important that each household have open lines of communication. Since this is a new way of life for all involved the rules will have to adapt as each family finds a way to make it all work. The final resolution should be beneficial to all participants in the long run. Deatbeats not only suck the resources of the parents (and by extension grandparents) but they are failing to move towards being independent increasing the likelihood of a life of debt for themselves. Deadbeats are not honoring their parents when they shirk their responsibilities, and there are consequences to breaking that commandment.
GREAT post! Our son is back after graduation. He pays rent and does chores while he's saving up his not-so-big bucks at a menial job while trying to get a job in his field.
ReplyDeleteWe're happy he's with us for a while and delight in watching his account grow because it means he'll be out of the nest before long with a good financial start to life.
This was a wonderful post. There's a difference between giving a boost up and enabling a child toward a life of dependence and failure.
Carol,
DeleteYou are doing it right. It is ok to help out and push along as long as the end point is independence. The part where we need to seek God's guidance is telling the difference between the two. I don't think there is a cookie cutter approach that works, each child is different as are the parents.
Great post, Mike. It speaks to where my family is right now. I'm a rent-paying, working boomerang child. My brother, his adult daughter and I moved back in with my parents because after Hurricane Katrina, it was better for everyone if we shared a roof. We've been together for just over four years, and it has worked out well for all concerned. If we "children" weren't pulling our weight, it would be a different story, but so far so good. :)
ReplyDeleteTraci,
DeleteMulti-generation family living is very efficient economically. If everybody is happy and pulling their weight, why not stay with it?
Good Post. I actually long for the days of multi-generational households. That said, I agree with you that responsibility and sharing the load are essential. The idea is to raise and equip our young, not to impede and cripple them. I do wonder if there will be more extended families living together due to the tough times. If so, respectful hearts and industrious hands will be needed by all.
ReplyDeleteSo many children have no access to their grandparents because many families are spread all over the country. The benefits of increased grandparent-grandchild interaction is that it is mutually beneficial for all. When the grandparent feels used and dumped on then resentment can settle in and ruin what could be a real good thing. This is yet another reason to keep the lines of communication open.
DeleteWonderfully expressed. I so agree. We recently lost my father-in-law who lived on the family farm with us, and my children have suffered greatly since as we were all so close. They really admired and respected their grandfather. He was a great blessing to our family. We'll always miss his input and love.
ReplyDeleteThank you Stephanie. With proper respect and honor among the family, multi-generational living can be a true blessing.
ReplyDeleteHi Mike,
ReplyDeleteGreat post. It seems like it's getting harder and harder for kids to get on their feet, even with a college degree. It took me 3 years to get my first job in my field, and that was 16 years ago. I would not want to be starting out today.
However, I heartily agree with you that if you allow adult children to move back into the house, they need to contribute to the home in some way. In fact, that even applies to kids before they move out of the home.
Samuel,
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence totally resonates with me. As parents of younger children we are laying the groundwork for attitudes that will play themselves out later in life. Proverbs 22:6 "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."
Mike - wonderful article with eyeopening stats. I am glad that my children know the door is open to them, but they have chosen to do what needs to be done to maintain their independence. I couldn't be more proud of them. I tweeted this article too! Good kick off to nurture! Peace and Blessings!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the Tweet. I'm not playing Twitter yet, I just don't have the bandwidth to do one more thing.
DeleteThere is nothing more fulfilling as a parent than when we see our children succeed. Proverbs 10:1 "A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother."
Interesting stuff Mike.
ReplyDeleteI continued to live at home with my parents until I got married (at the age of 26). I got a good job straight out of university though. I think it's much more of an Australian cultural thing, as opposed to the American culture which seems to be to move out young. It never even occurred to me to go live somewhere else - this was my home.
I understand what you're saying and agree. Children shouldn't just be living off their parents and giving nothing back - especially if they're not doing anything useful with their life. I have a long time until my children are old enough to face these kinds of issues. Doesn't hurt to starting thinking about it all though.
Adam,
DeleteYour comments got me thinking about cultural norms within a country, but even in the States there are differences among regional areas and family by family. Cultures where multi-generational living is widespread and established have developed expectations of interdependence within the family. The problem that is developing into a serious issue in the States is that this is a new phenomena and there is no expectation of interdependence and mutual responsibility.
It's not surprising to me that 'boomerangs' are on the rise as not supporting yourself is acceptable. Growing up I had daily and weekly chores, but now it's more important for kids to have sports activities or other after school programs. Getting government assistance once was something you worked to get away from; now we have complaints from the "Occupy" crowd that the government is not doing enough to supply our every need.
ReplyDeleteAssistance is fine when it's needed, but it shouldn't become a crutch. I'm self-employed and thus not eligible for government assistance, but somehow I get through with God's help and not the government!
I never thought about the role of organized sports and the impact on this issue. You have given me much to ponder...
DeleteI like the point that being overly-permissive is not love. It is in fact, the opposite. Well done. :)
ReplyDeleteAs a father of four I know that it takes work to instill discipline. It is so easy to just let things slide, but that is not what is most helpful. There is a curious command to Fathers in Colossians 3:1 "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged."
ReplyDeleteAs I was writing my nurture blog, it occurred to me that nurturing isn't always positive. Your post and the comments seem to point out that it matters what you're nurturing and which direction you're going.
ReplyDeleteWhen we neglect to live by the Spirit we are by default walking in sin. Our parenting follows the same model. By choosing to neglect our children's growth, we are actually teaching them to be evil.
ReplyDeleteCool, well researched article! and Timely!
ReplyDeleteThank you Paulene, There is a lot more research that needs to be done on this topic.
DeleteInteresting (and informative) article, Mike. Too much leadway can definitely cause problems. I appreciate the research that went into this.
ReplyDeleteThere is a great new book out called "Sticky Faith" and it focuses on how we a s parents can insure that their children take their faith with them beyond high school.
Delete