How do people see you?
Think about the different circles of people that you interact with such
as classmates, teachers, teammates, coaches, principals, counselors, close
friends, girlfriend, internet acquaintances, cousins, aunts, uncles,
grandparents, sisters, brothers. This
list would include all people who remember something about you even though you
may not be aware of them.
What if all of
these people were to gather in a large room and in this room is a large
whiteboard. The first person comes up and writes words that describe you. The
next person places a check-mark next to any words they agree to and adds to the
list. The group lines up in a huge
circle going round and round until everyone has a chance to check any words they
forgot to list.
Some of the words would probably have many checks, some
might not. Your girlfriend might
write great kisser but obviously others wouldn’t check that term. What would that list look like for you? What we are talking about is something called
integrity. Integrity is maintaining a consistent
character in all aspects of your life. It
is normal to adjust your behavior to the situation, but your basic character
should be reliably similar regardless of the situation. The problem is that many people have serious
inconsistencies in their character. They
lack integrity.
The things you do will be the evidence for the judgments
people make about you. If you are caught
lying, then you might be deemed a liar.
If you tell the truth 99 times and get caught lying one time, you are a
liar. Luckily people will cut you some
slack. When you screw up with people,
apologize and don’t screw up and people tend to forgive with time.
The secret to a
healthy reputation is to consistently treat strangers kindly.
Our school has a no-hood policy. Unless it is raining, sweater hoods must stay
off the head. Most of our students think
the rule is really dumb, but a simple hood renders all of our security cameras
as useless. A hood also allows students
to effectively avert and cover their eyes so that class discussions become less
manageable. I believe that the hood is also
symbol of disrespect towards our school, so I enforce the rule wherever I walk
on campus.
What I have noticed is that when I am correcting one of my
students in the hallways, there is compliance without complaint and the hood
goes down. If; however, it is a stranger the reaction is very intense for some
kids. “Who are you? You can’t tell me what to do (insert
explicative here)!” All schools have
knuckleheads, so I try not to take it personal.
Since I teach freshmen and seniors I might have multiple run-ins with a
kid before they walk in as a senior.
This is always an interesting thing in that their world is crashing
around them, they are nice to those they know and jerky to strangers. This is a lack of integrity. If you are a
respectful person, you are respectful at all times and not only when people are
respectful towards you.
This type of behavior is extreme, but you need to know that
highly respectful people are more likely to benefit. You never know who somebody is and whether
they will hold the key to something you want.
Every adult you see on campus could be a potential recommendation letter
or a single voice against you in a scholarship committee. You never know who somebody may be, so make
it your policy to be respectful and follow directions from any adult on
campus. That teacher or counselor may be
next year’s vice principal. That campus
supervisor could become the principal’s secretary (the most powerful person on
a campus).
He looked me dead in the eyes and with a look of pure hatred
retorted, “You have to give respect, before you get respect!” At that point it was clear the discussion was
going nowhere. I had just tried to explain
how his lack of a respectful attitude towards me and his classmates was hurting
his reputation. He wasn’t getting that
it. As we sat together I could feel the
anger dripping from this young man, and his attitude was going to be a death
sentence for whatever aspirations he harbored.
I can’t remember anything else from the conversation, only that I think
I have tried to tackle this conversation a million times. Sometimes I get through to them, most times
I don’t. I think truth has a way of
working itself into a person’s heart over time, so it’s possible that many of
these hurting souls later got it.
That phrase: “You have to give respect to get respect” is
interesting in that there is some truth to this. It’s a half-truth. We can earn respect when we are respectful to
others, but not always. Some people take
a respectful attitude as a green light to be abusive towards us, but we can
still be respectful in the face of disrespect.
The point is not to focus on how others treat you; it is to focus on how
you treat others.
Don’t wait to decide whether a person is worthy of your
respect before you extend it to him or her. Make it automatic and you will have
a healthy reputation as a person of integrity.
If you are disrespectful to those you feel are mean,
then others will see you being disrespectful when they disagree with your
assessment of that other person. When I
hear that one of my star students was disrespectful to another staff member,
then that student has lost some of my respect for them and
I will be less willing to back them in a scholarship committee or write a
letter of recommendation. I can only write a recommendation letter for
people who are respectful in all situations to all people. This is because the purpose of a
recommendation letter is to vouch for a person that is not known by the
college. If I see someone who can be
respectful to all people regardless of
how they are treated, then I know for sure they will behave well towards students
or professors at that college.
Image: By The U.S. Army (www.Army.mil) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons at http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3f/Mixed_martial_arts_at_Fort_Benning.jpg