The Talk Part III

Although you will negotiate with your parents to set up a new working relationship, you are not an equal power party.  The more financial support you receive from your parents, the more you will need to bend to their rules.  Significant $$$ = power.  If you are living at home, you need to realize that the roof and the food represent significant financial support.  Follow the rules of the house. 

St. Mary's College

For the few of you who live in dorms or apartments, you will naturally have more autonomy just because of the separation of distance. You must still figure out what is expected of you.  Why would any sane person ask what is expected of them?  Doesn’t it just encourage the parents out there to multiply the rules and restrictions?  The reason you initiate this conversation is because you are reassuring your parents of your ability to finish college, thereby showing them that their investment in you (while still carrying risk) is less risky because you have a plan.  

Your parents will be more likely to support you for a longer amount of time if you have done this step correctly.  The other critical reason why you must establish this is that you are an adult and that is what adults do.  It would be great if the parent took the initiative, but if this is not happening it is up to you to start the conversation. 

Picture yourself entering a dark cave without a flashlight. As you walk deeper into this cave you rationally know that however far you walk into it you can retrace your steps to get back out.  Walking farther along the cave you stumble your way around a bend and the light from the entrance dims.  At this point it is dark, and you know that if you just turn around you can get out.  That is probably what will happen.  You will give up your walk and leave the cave.

But what if while in that dark bend, someone yells from the entrance and tells you that the cave is not a cave, but rather a tunnel through the mountain.  This person also tells you there is a pile of gold waiting at the other end.   So you proceed into the dark, feeling along the wall, in what you feel is the right way towards the other end and the pile of gold.  As the tunnel seems to turn again, a new fear creeps into your mind.  “What if there are dead ends inside of this?  What if I get lost and never get out?  This isn’t worth it.  I think I’ll go back.”  You know it is a tunnel, you know there is gold at the end, but you are worried about the unknown. 

Funding a child through college is similar to this experience.  A parent knows all their child’s flaws and how they could lead to failure. Parents know about dropout statistics and they also know of families saddled with the endless college debt of a 3^rd year dropout.  Add to that a child that is unsure of what they want to do and has just changed majors for the third time compounding yet another two years of college expenses.  Do see why a parent may fear, putting their trust in you?

Rewind!  You are back at the entrance, you are told it is a tunnel, you are told it will be dark, but there will be a tiny indicator light at the end of each section of the tunnel.  These lights are similar to the little lights you see on a Christmas tree.  While the indicator lights will not be enough to light your way, it will be just enough to point you in the right direction.  There may be obstacles that you could trip over, and you will need to still feel along the wall, but those little lights will be there.  Oh and yes, the big pile of gold is still there, are you willing to risk it?  Of course you would.  This is doable, this is reasonable.  You will go much further if you just have a little indication that it is going to turn out alright. 

So, how can you reassure your parents so that their patience and financial assistance won’t wear out?  Remember this: A parent who is supporting an adult child needs to see the light at the end of the gravy train tunnel.  Without any clues they will turn around sooner.   A parent-student contract is a great tool for this purpose.  Parents often say it this way, “As long as you are going to school I will support you.”  Even though they say this don’t believe this is all they want.  There are more stipulations, so you might as well get them out in the open so that there are no surprises.

Negotiate everything and later when you run into something that was not negotiated go back to the table and negotiate that.  Write everything down. Next Post:  Parent Student Contact Template

Boom vs. Bust

In economics we teach something called the business cycle.  The idea is that economies tend to have ups and downs.  We can be in a growth or recessionary part of the business cycle.  While it may feel as if we are in a recessionary cycle, you need to know that by classic definitions of growth and recessions we have been in a growth phase since the third quarter of 2009!

The following graphic shows the growth and shrinkage (recessionary) cycles.

Gross Domestic Product is a measure of the total wealth generated inside of our country.  A recession is defined as two consecutive quarters of GDP shrinkage. 

Source: Bureau of Economic Analysis

Starting in 2007 we have had quite an economic ride with ups and downs.  Growth slowed again in 2011 but never went negative.   Remember that it is possible for a company to have more profits with less workers.  This is due to ever increasing productivity.  This is how the nation can have a growth in GDP with a decline in jobs.

The following chart measures unemployment levels:



Source Bureau of Labor Statistics



Are you are still with me?  Then you deserve the punch line:  In your life you will face many turns of the business cycle and you should plan for these ups and downs.

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?  A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.    Proverbs 6:6-11

There will be times when if are breathing and willing to work you can find a job and get pay raises easily.  There will also be difficult times where work is hard to come by.  Each phase of the business cycle requires a different strategy.

During Good Times

Resist the urge to increase spending and begin putting away savings for the lean years.  Do an analysis of your skills to see where you are vulnerable for any possible downturns.  Maybe you can work less and bank those hours towards college credits.  Some companies are more liberal with benefits like subsidized education.  Take advantage of this and invest in your education.  Increase giving.  God had given you more so you should bump up both your tithe and giving during good times.  Resist the urge to job hop looking for continual raises.  In union jobs, you are giving up seniority when you move companies.  The bad times are coming so you should prepare.  If possible use this period to start a sideline business. Resist the urge to get caught up in get rich quick scams and focus on the basics for growing wealth.

During Bad Times

Be thankful for what you have and do not harden your heart towards those who drop into poverty.  Help where possible, hire someone if you can.   If you lose your job, don’t give up looking ever.  Drastically cut spending where possible to preserve savings for a possible long unemployment.  Divide time between your sideline business and job hunting.  You may have to adjust your expectations and take a lower paying job.  If the new job is lower paying you must adjust your spending to the new reality.  This is hard, but the whole family needs to take a pay cut.  Ironically this is the best time to invest.  It may be scary to think about investing because you may be afraid of locking money away that you may need due to a job loss.  Realize that your job is not secure even if it seems secure, so you must take reasonable investment risks at times.  This may be the best time to buy your first house.

Learn this lesson about the current economic climate.  You can’t trust your feelings to gauge the times so you should follow these basic strategies so that you can safely ride out the business cycles that you will experience throughout your life.  Many of the people around you will be reacting improperly because they do not understand the business cycle.  When investing the rule is to buy low and sell high.  This sounds easy but will cut against your feelings because the best time to buy will be when prices are falling.

You don’t operate in a bubble and not everything is under your control.  Even with good economic decisions you may still get wiped out through some freak event.  This is the natural hazard of being a living being on this planet (Ecclesiastes 9:11).  The idea is to limit self-inflicted financial wounds. 

The Talk Part II

CSU San Bernadino

It may feel your parents want to direct all aspects of your life.  Some parents are so controlling, that the adult child is not allowed to develop.  At this point you may be saying, “Yeah that’s my parents, they will never let go.”  This can be really frustrating, but I invite you to think of it another way.   You do want your parents to help you through this next phase of life, because if you were to come out from under that umbrella of protection you may find the world to be one mean dude. 

It doesn’t have to be an all or nothing proposition where either your parents control all aspects of your life, or they are completely cut off.  As an adult, you have the opportunity to shape the tone of the relationship between you and your parents.  Here’s a hard truth.  In some ways your thinking is still childish, you still miss things.  This is a normal part of being a young adult, so it is wise to have very experienced people who have your back.  When you have one of those “kid moments” it can be really depressing and you can really beat yourself up, but the cool part is that you ARE getting more competent. 

Remember the impulsivity of your early teens?  Your passions seemed to rule you and it got you in a lot of trouble.  Well, you are better at that now aren’t you, but if you look critically, you can see that even now there are moments you just don’t have it all together.  You don’t have to fake it that you do, because you don’t.  Knowing when to seek advice is a real indicator of growing maturity (Proverbs 19:20).  I have sought advice from a lot of people to bring this book to you.  Very little of what I’m telling you is new information, I am standing on the shoulders of other people’s wise advice and research.

There needs to be a negotiation between you and your parents.  This talk should be a series of conversations to figure out the roles and responsibilities of each party as you move into this new phase of life.  I have included a sample set of things to discuss, but you will need to adjust this to your situation.  This will be a difficult topic to discuss, so be ready to work at this.  If you have a good relationship with your parents where you can tackle difficult conversations you are halfway there!  If your family avoids conflict at any cost, this topic will be extra hard but not impossible.  You may need to keep coming back to the topic as you get derailed.  If you have fought a lot and that is the end result of most of your conversations, you will need to do some work on the relationship. 

Are you a whiner?  Do you throw a tantrum when you don’t get your way? Do you make a lot of promises or swear to show that you really mean it. If so, then you will need to learn to state your position in a less dramatic way, or you won’t achieve much in these negotiations (Matthew 5:36-38).  You will need to work at this, because the stakes are high.  The most important thing is to preserve the relationship.   You will need to decide many things and you will often disagree.  There needs to be a plan for how to do this.   When conditions change, you may need to go back and renegotiate your agreements. Just remember, it is wrong to expect total freedom.

You will need to delicately explain your needs and expect some freedom, but you should defer to your parents wishes when there is a disagreement.  If you are in a current state of open rebellion, partying and out of control, you will probably lose support very soon, but I think most people reading this are rational and fairly self-controlled.  The problem is that momentary losses of rationality can have huge implications for your future, so your parents probably know your limits and what boundaries are appropriate for you.

Ears to Hear

I teach economics to high school seniors.  For many students, I am the first (and sadly the last) person to teach them about personal finances.  Surprisingly, California does not require that I cover personal finances!  (History-Social Science, California Standards)

Nowhere does the state require that we teach how to balance a checkbook, create a budget, manage credit, and make smart consumer choices.  Luckily I can cover the state standards and still have time to cram in a lot of personal finance instruction. 

So you would think that these young adults would eat up the advice I have to offer about finances.  Wrong.  When I talk to young adults I find them typically resistant to sound financial advice.  There are always motivated kids out there who eat up wise advice, but their number is shrinking.  As a teacher who constantly probes for ways to get through.  I have a few theories as to why my teaching is rejected and here are my educated guesses:

1. I have useful advice but it can be couched in outdated terms that may make me look uninformed.  This one is my fault and I have to always be on the alert for changes in technology and trends.   My lifestyle does not put me socially in the places that interest many of my students.  I just talk differently than them and they may not get my examples.  This one is partially on me and partially on them.

2. I am discounted just because I am a teacher.  I represent the system that has “oppressed” them for most of their lives.  This failure to learn will consign them to poverty. (Prov. 12:1)

3. They don’t care about statistics, because they believe they will be well off.  This leads them to believe that there is no reason to listen to advice.  They believe they have a plan that will work (regardless of whether any real thought went into the plan.(Prov. 19:20)

4. I get discounted because I am old.  I’m only 40, but to a young adult, I may as well be 60.   To some young adults there is a strong perception that older adults hold ideas that are out of date and will not hold true in the future, so my advice cannot be trusted. (Lev 19:32) (Job 12:12) 

5. I teach concepts that are totally opposite of what they are told in the media.  These young adults are pelted with messages to conspicuously display wealth (Prov. 12:9).  I teach them to spend less than they earn, and it is seen as too embarrassing.   Similarly, the world has told them they can do whatever they want; they just have to work for it.  I tell them their career must line up with both their interests and abilities or it will end in poverty.  This always gets me sour faces. (2 Tim 4:3)

6. I teach financial concepts that are contrary to the example of their parents. It is hard to overcome a lifetime of teaching in a semester. (Pr 22:6)

7. I talk about growing money slowly to attain a middle-class lifestyle.  They want to be rich, famous, and glamorous.   These desires lead to a lot of pain down the road.  (Prov 13:11) (Eph 4:28)

8. The lack of life experience does not allow a young adult to access experience as a guide (Prov 22:15).  This is why I believe it is not appropriate to release all major decisions to a young adult regardless of what the law says.  I believe there is generally a short window of opportunity to get educated to ensure financial stability.  Unfortunately, this window is open at the very time when a person is less capable of thinking long-term.  If a young adult forgoes education during this period, it is very hard to go back later to get it done.  I did my master’s degree while working full time as a teacher, dad, and husband.  I was obviously busy, but I knew how to manage my time effectively, and I worked really hard during that phase of life.  This is another skill that is lacking among young adults. (Eph. 5:16)

9. Many (not all) young adults are coddled to the point of utter laziness and helplessness, so they don’t want to listen about becoming independent.   I had a student write to me that I should stop nagging them about getting educated because “My mom said I can live with her as long as I want.”  I tried to explain that she will want to some day be independent, or mom may become unable to support her. (Prov. 19:18)

10. Many (not all) young adults are frozen with fear over the future, so they don’t want any reminder that it is drawing closer.  This fear of failure brings about the very failure they fear the most. (Prov. 10:24)

11. What I’m talking about smacks of religion, so they shut their ears off.  This is actually true because all of my money advice is derived from the scriptures.  Being a public school teacher I don’t pelt them with verses, but God’s way works very well financially (Prov. 14:12).

12. Much of my advice requires self control, which is impossible for a person controlled by sin (Gal 5:17).  While a person can fake it to some extent, true self control only comes as a fruit if the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23).  This fruit comes only as we yield ourselves to the Spirit (Gal 5:16).  God’s way requires a relinquishing of our wishes, desires, and future to the One who saved us.  This laying down of lordship is very hard for people to do. (Mark 10:21-22)

Many of the teachings of Christ were designed to bring us to the realization that in ourselves we have no power to live by the Law.  It is only when we agree with God about our helpless condition that He can truly save us from our evil desires.

Hear the Words of Jesus

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”  John 10:10

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

The Talk

 

Cal Poly Pomona



You are an adult, but most likely you do not have total autonomy to do as you wish, because your parents are still calling many of the shots in your life.   How you view this situation, and how you respond to it will help to determine the final outcome of this phase of your life.  If you receive parental financial support I hope you are grateful, because they don’t need to support you any longer.  In fact, all parental legal responsibilities end when children reach age 18.  

 This is can be surprising and a bit scary to hear this, but relax; most parents feel a sense of duty to support their children throughout their lives.  A recent survey by Sun America Financial and Age Wave found that 70% of older adults expect that they will need to help their adult children financially.  I am financially independent, but my parents still do nice things for me as well as for my family. Besides good advice and general loving towards me, my parents are awesome grandparents who enrich my children’s lives by enrolling them in things like art, science, gym and swimming classes.  

 These are gifts and carry no obligation or loss of independence on my part.  Just yesterday, my Dad insisted on paying for dinner when we all went out.  I like to joke by saying, “Dad, you do realize that I DO make money.”  His response is that when he was in my place his parents did the same for him, so I should accept it and be grateful.   He is right, and I plan to do as much as I can for my kids when they are the parents. 

The point I am making is that families tend to be interlinked financially.  This is a good thing and it functions as a primary source of insurance and that is how it is supposed to work (1 Timothy 5:8).  When other areas of support dry up, family is often there to lend a hand, so you should not turn your back on them. Staying connected with your family includes doing some of the things you classify as dumb, because that is what makes them happy.  

 Dr. James Dobson in his book Life on the Edge explains that the power roles will someday reverse to the point where you will be parenting your parents in their old age.  Because of this try to understand that you will be granted more and more freedom and at some point the relationship will move more towards friendship and mentoring, but eventually you will have to pick up the dual role of caring for your children while taking care of your parents.  Some of you can see this now with how your parents interact with your grandparents.  All of this should help you to see that it is all temporary and you shouldn’t get so bent out of shape with the current situation because it will change and all the responsibility will be on you.

We live in California, and if we had an earthquake the rendered our house unlivable, we would probably go live with my sister in law in Kansas.  If there was a tornado there, they would probably come live with us.  Family must be preserved, because of so many benefits beyond the financial.   

Helping family comes natural, even jerks seem to get this, but you will still want to walk away at times.  Resist the urge and be nice.  So as a young adult, don’t reject help from your family just because you want to be independent.  If they want to help, let them help.  The issue is that the money comes with strings, so it makes sense to find out what the strings are.  Then you can decide whether to take the money or not.  Wouldn’t it be cool if you could negotiate the strings?  There is a way. Continued Next Post…

Suggested Parental Advice for the High School Years

 Disclaimer: My children are not in college yet, so I have no young adults.  I speak from the viewpoint of an educator who has been working with high school seniors and college freshmen for fifteen years.





Stanford University


1. It really is rare for a teenager to know what they want to do as a career.  I routinely quiz my seniors on this. I have found that most of those that have decided haven’t done any research to find out if they would be suited to that career.  It is normal for them to stick their head in the sand.  Your role is to help them face the reality.  I have found that teenagers can recoil in fear when pushed.  Arrange appointments for them to talk with professionals in prospective careers.  Use your networks to let them see what people do for a living.  They won’t do this on their own, so you can do it.
2. Ditto on college choices.  Visit a number of college campuses when they are in session, attend activities at local colleges.  By viewing many campuses, they will get a sense of what they want.
3. College is not for everyone, and parents must not apply a cookie cutter approach to each child. Proverbs 22:6.  Barnes Notes on Proverbs 22:6 says “The way he should go - Or, according to the tenor of his way.”  By the high school years you should know if college is an appropriate choice
4. Monitor grades closely…very closely.  Have appropriate rewards and consequences.
5. If you have allowed a cell phone consider ditching it (pause for laughter.)  Ok I know they will go into total meltdown mode, but think about this: Most teens cannot resist this digital crack and it kills their study productivity.  Their friends insist that they text back immediately if they know they own a phone.  If you feel it is not possible to permanently take it away, then set clear rules.  No phone, music player, or computer should be in sight during study should be allowed, because all it does is slow them down.
6. Studying is not the same as doing homework.  Studying is what happens after the required stuff is done.
7. There is a maturation issue causing serous school issues.  Some kids wake up and get serious, but time is critical.  In the freshman and sophomore years, there is still time to recover from low performance.  Have your child retake all classes where there was a D or F grade.  Some high schools have additional periods for make-up classes, while others must be done during summer.  If the classes are not offered (budget cutting) then you can pay for an online course on your own.
8. Do not settle for community college just because it is cheap.  If the goal is a four year degree, then the transfer route is littered with failure.  For vocational degrees, community colleges are often the best route.  Do your homework, because your son or daughter probably won’t.
9. Private schools may be affordable, but you won’t know until you apply and get back the aid offer.
10. Do FAFSA you may be surprised by the free money available.  Get your taxes done quickly
11. Staying at home can work if you do a Parent-Student Contract. (post coming later)
12. Going away can work if you do a Parent-Student Contract.
13. AT ALL COSTS uphold the Parent-Student Contract.

Your turn.  What's your advice?
Please Add Your Comment

Cultural Barriers Part II

UC Riverside

You will need to adapt, meaning change your behavior.  This isn't fun, but it’s life.  At some point you will want to quit, but you must work past this challenge.  Adaptation is a natural part of life.  In the world of work you will need to constantly adapt to changing market conditions and new ways of doing business. 

Your cultural challenges can become a serious market advantage if you integrate yourself into the dominant culture.  You will need to create support systems at college consisting of professors, friends, study groups, and counselors.  Your family will be the emotional support, but you need to realize that you are an alien in an alien land when you go off to college.  You will have to adapt to your new environment, and this is hard work for first generation college goers. 

You do not need to turn your back on your core principles; you just need to add to who you are.  I have noticed that when two native speakers are together they utilize Spanish, but if a friend walks up, who doesn’t speak Spanish, they will shift to English.  Why does this happen?  Because they are friends, and friends don’t exclude friends.  It is like whispering, it is generally bad manners to whisper because it makes people feel uncomfortable. 


UC Riverside


Manners are the way we show others that we are not rude, so when we break a rule of behavior that is seen as “normal” we can be labeled rude by others.  The problem is that “normal” behavior at college is different than the “normal” behavior of your home or neighborhood.  If you don’t care about what others think you will find yourself alone and often out of work.  You need to realize that in college, you must speak, act and write in a way that does not offend or hurt your chances of being taken seriously.  You must use formal American Standard English in your communication. 

Don’t give up your other dialects, just add formal English to your list of dialects that you utilize.  Yelling and interrupting during a discussion are common tactics utilized by those who are not taken seriously and the will make you seem less convincing.  In your mind’s eye focus on a person you have met who is cool and collected in an argument.  Have you met someone like this? Regardless of your feelings about presidents William Clinton and Barrack Obama, both are masterful in remaining calm under intense pressure.  That is how you should act; stay calm as if the result of the argument doesn’t matter.  If you feel anger rising, it is best to hold your tongue or measure carefully what you say.

Force yourself to listen in discussions and craft your replies to the unique situation of the conversation, rather than regurgitate the same, tired arguments each day.  The idea is to separate yourself from your passions to get across your point.  If you are sharing your faith, remember that truth is on your side, but acknowledge that your knowledge of the truth is limited. 

Don’t be afraid of “facts” that seem to fly in the face of your faith.  Use these as motivation to learn more about your faith.  Look for opportunities to see God at work in all of your studies and add them to your “proof” of God’s command and authorship of all knowledge (2 Corinthians 10:4-6).  Adapting to new cultures will also be expected in whatever career you end up doing.  It is proper to shift with the situation.  You are not being double-faced, you are being considerate.  You don’t have to go back on your values to accommodate a culture.  There are many other behavioral cues you will come to notice in college.  Learn these and adapt (1 Corinthians 9:21-23).